Since losing Eloise in October, the days and weeks have felt so long and slow. We are about to embark on her due date next week (2/26). A day I have been dreading. It feels like we've been inching towards this day for so long. And yet, it's here.
I have been thinking a lot about what these months would have looked like if things would have gone our way. We would have had her baby shower, her room would be packed with dresses & wooden toys, and we would be anxiously wondering when she would arrive. I think of those hopeful people, and I miss them. The past four months have been really hard.
The early days of losing the baby were such a whirlwind. When I think about those first two months, I think of us sitting inside of a tornado. Chaos all around, and we could barely hold onto each other for safety. We shot weddings, family sessions, in between losing Eloise, healing from her birth, hemorrhaging in DC, and a surgery. We faced the hardest season yet in the middle of the most thriving season of our business. Four months later, I am still facing chaos in a slower pace.
Lately, I have been seeing glimmers of our child. I see her in the sky when the sun is setting. When the soft glow of the horizon is hitting the clouds. Do you see me, Eloise? I see her in the birds in my yard, who flutter and fly around. Are you flying Eloise? I feel her still, kicking every now and then, her telling us, "my love is unconditional." Do you know we love you, Eloise? When I pray, I picture the Father holding my sweet girl. Telling her about her parents and how deeply they love her, because our pain runs so deep.
Here I will leave you some of the words from the song that Eloise was born to on October 15, 2019 at 5:48pm.
"Endless Alleluia" by Bethel Music
In the morning when I rise to meet You
In the morning when I lift my eyes
You're the gentle light that falls around me
You're the first thought on my mind
In the evening when I lay my head down
In the evening when I close my eyes
You're still the only One I wanna cling to
You're the last thought on my mind